Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
im 7 sauces long