*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
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My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?