Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
You Might Also Like
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real