the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
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Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
War & Peace
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going