Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
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We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Just a friendly reminder!
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
#oldknees
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov