#oldknees
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Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
eggs benadryl
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store