Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
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We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.