every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
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I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”