I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
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Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
is this how new cars are made??
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Meme Monday.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
i’m sure it’s fine
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.