person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!