Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
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You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
True.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.