me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
You Might Also Like
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Worth a try