me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Google assistant rules
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Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
*Inspirational Tweets*
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If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Is this you?
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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.