Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
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Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay