I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
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Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year