Meth is short for Elizameth.
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I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry