ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
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I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.