ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
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SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
just witnessed a drug deal
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed