garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.