Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
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*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.