customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
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The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Sell your car
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.