Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
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Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no