*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
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why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.