Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
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I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
what’s more important?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
it’s the silliest best thing
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep