Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

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I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs


[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.


ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.


Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep


“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad


Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.


never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them


me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table