When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
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I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish