I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
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boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
58.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)