58.
You Might Also Like
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo