If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
(Gaming support cat.)
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun