If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?