[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
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[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?