Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
i wish i could marry a nap
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.