I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.