My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
You Might Also Like
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
All set.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”