Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
What the hell happened here.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on