How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
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Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.