It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
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Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Grandmother clock.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I don’t get marriage
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose