Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

So that’s what we looked like?

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.