Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
“The Perfect Relationship”
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
(by @ZachWeiner )
When I said I liked it rough.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?