[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
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life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
They did not miss in the small print
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.