You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
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“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.