Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.