Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
People buying plungers never look happy.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.