Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection