The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
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Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
That’s not how days work.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: