You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

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me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D


Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.


Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.


Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”


Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.


You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)


Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.


Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.


“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.