While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone