While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
How to make infinite energy.
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“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.