Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆