Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Worst perfume name ever.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.