[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”