Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I drew y’all a little something.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Warm pools make me nervous.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
The sacred texts.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.