I drew y’all a little something.
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My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said