ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
You Might Also Like
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
finally
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”