gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
is this meant to deter me
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no