Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct