Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams