Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch