I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Legend 🤣🤣
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.