Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…ππ€£πππ
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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I donβt trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
i used to enjoy weather like βsunnyβ or rainyβ or cloudyβ iβm glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like βsmokeβ
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
me: *holding my black eye* honey Iβm home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Pretty sure my day canβt get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
When the pandemic ends, donβt forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in βpantsβ
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but itβs full of rice so i can dry off*
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem π
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready